Parenting Tips for Couples Going Through a Divorce

Divorce affects the spouses, but also their children. When getting divorce it is normal to be preoccupied and focused on your own issues and concerns but bear in mind that your actions can have lifelong consequences for your children. Divorce only dissolves the marriage, not the familial relationships.

Working toward peace between you and your ex-spouse will save years of stress and add to the quality of life for everyone. You can create change by monitoring your own behavior.

It is important to maintain boundaries between adult problems and children. Children should not be burdened by adult problems. Children do not have the coping skills or the intellectual ability to understand money worries, adult relationship issues or their parents' unhappiness. Children have their own grief and worries about the divorce as well as their own developmental tasks to accomplish. They need protection from grown-up worries.

Ensure smooth transitions. Children often experience high stress when they are moving from parent to parent. They worry about the parent they are leaving, they grieve that their family isn't living together and they may be asked to report on the life of the parent they just left, which can provoke an unpredictable parental reaction. It’s especially important not to argue with the other parent at this time. Interactions should be cordial and relatively brief. Kids should not be asked to carry the child support check or messages back and forth. Parents need to handle issues between themselves, protecting the innocence of their children.

Have flexibility regarding divorce agreements. While a divorce agreement is necessary and important, a spirit of flexibility and cooperation between parents will impact daily life for adults and children in important ways. Life throws us many curves and it’s impossible to predict those years in advance. We all need extra help from time to time so it's reassuring to know that our ex-partner will lend a hand when necessary. Obviously, this has to go both ways -- what goes around comes around.

The quality of parenting can suffer while going through divorce. Read as much as you can about protecting your children. See "The Intelligent Divorce" by Mark Banschick and "Helping Your Kids Through Divorce the Sandcastles Way" by Gary Neumann.